brutally honest. beautiful truth.
- Created on Tuesday, 21 August 2012 02:10
- Written by Nathalie
The last couple of days have been rough. Anytime there is a change in the norm, my oldest little guy just can't handle it. It took some getting used to when Daniel was in the hospital. He took it hard. It was very emotional for him. Then when Daniel came home (FINALLY), he was equally shaken up by another change of events. Glad to have daddy home, of course, but like I said, any changes...it's just hard. And on top of that he started a new school. He's been out of school for almost a year. We loved our previous preschool, High Hopes (an incredible non-profit inclusive school that did wonders for our little boy with unique needs), but we just couldn't afford it anymore. Now that we've been through evaluations, and understand what's really going on with him, I feel more confident with a "typical school" setting for Pre-K. He did really good, considering it was just his first week. But he's really regressing at home. Poor guy...he just gets so rattled by change. It's funny, because I'm kinda the same way. I just handle it differently (notice I said differently, not better). With change & discomfort, a lot like my son, I run back to old insecurities, old habits, and listen to those nasty little lies the enemy likes to tell me.
With all that's gone down in the last couple of weeks, I found myself in a pile of tears yesterday....feeling completely inadequate, questioning things the Lord has clearly told me...tucking my head into my turtle shell of self loathing.
As I sat in my chair this morning with piping hot coffee and the sights and sounds of the breakfast table and our typical morning happenings....I began to journal my thoughts.
1) I don't feel like the wife my husband really wants. I can't keep the house clean. I rarely shower or put on real clothes. I still haven't lost that weight from the babies. I don't want to have sex as often as I should because I'm always so dang tired....much less, don't remember the last time I felt sexy.
2) I'm not a good enough mom. I'm not consistent like I should be. I get angry too quickly and raise my voice too often. I should be teaching them more & letting them watch TV less. I can't seem to get on track with this whole 'sensory diet' business...which I know is part of the reason he's struggling and regressing. Piper gets away with way too much sometimes, and I need to cuddle Asher more.
3) Does what I have to say really matter? Am I a fool for thinking that I have anything interesting to offer people on a blog?...full of my thoughts and ideas and quandaries. I don't really know what I'm doing. Are people getting tired of me constantly pouring out my guts? Wait a minute...they're probably not getting tired of it, because no one really reads this stuff. Hold on, why do I care this much...I shouldn't care. I need to be one of those confident people who don't care. I'm not one of those people!!
Oh my.
Make it stop.
And then God did what he always does when I go into crazy self loathing mode.
It was as if He physically took my face in his hands (like I do my kids sometimes when I can't reel them in and I'm trying desperately to get their attention). He said, "if all you offer them (husband...kids...friends) is yourself, YOU WILL RUN OUT of YOU...EVERY TIME. And you will always be left feeling depleted and empty and not enough."
I have limitations. And it's ok.
Hey ME, do you hear that?!!
I HAVE LIMITATIONS, and that's how it's meant to be.
I could try to be the coolest, most fashionable, craftiest, smartest, funniest, most loving, most caring, most giving, the best writer, the best parent, the most fit, the best blogger, the best friend.... but I would still fall short, let you down, disappoint you, and come out at the end...lacking.
I'm not trying to appear humble, nor am I beating myself up. I know I am wonderfully made by God.
I'm just finally, doggone free to be brutally honest with myself, because the trade off is this beautiful truth:
THE BEST part of me isn't me at all, it's Jesus...
the one who daily lifts me out of the miry pit and leads me down paths of righteousness. The one who forgives me my mistakes and showers me with grace. The one who holds my face in his hands and lovingly reminds me that...
I don't have to try so hard to be desirable or worthy or enough...
because HE'S got that covered.
